Creating a No-Gossip Zone
Kevin Harney
Christians have conflicts with each other. Relationships get strained, communication breaks down, and tension grows. We are just people, and we face the same relational challenges anyone else does. The difference is we have crystal-clear guidelines on how to respond in these times of hurt and frustration. We are not allowed to gossip (Rom. 1:29; 2 Cor. 12:20). We can’t wander around the church and vent our frustration to every person we meet. We certainly are not to speak poorly of others and dress it up as a prayer request.
Jesus has given us a simple process for dealing with relational fractures. Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matt. 18:15 – 17).
Through my years of church ministry, I have used this text as the indisputable rule for dealing with conflict. It has led to a level of unity and peace in the church that has been a joy to experience. This passage is one of the best-known, least-used portions of the Bible. So many church leaders are aware of it and believe it is true, but they don’t graft it onto the church culture.
There are four basic steps to biblical conflict management. Each has guidelines for behavior as well as implications for what we cannot do in our communication. Here is how we have interpreted and applied this passage in how we do life together in the local church.
Step 1: One-on-One
If you have an issue with someone, you are compelled to go to this person one-on-one to work it out. This means you can’t talk about your frustration with anyone else. You can’t drop hints about it with another staff member. You can’t ask for prayer in a way that subtly reveals details of the conflict, thereby gossiping. You can’t let anyone else know that you have an issue with another staff member unless you have first gone to that staff member and sought to be reconciled. You also can’t merely lock your frustration inside and decide to just live with your hurt and anger. Jesus makes it clear you are compelled to work the problem out.
Healthy church leaders learn how to meet with people who have sinned against them and share their hearts. They seek reconciliation. They don’t bury bitterness and let it poison their soul. They know that face-to-face encounters lead to restoration.
"How did Jesus treat tax collectors and sinners? Did He exclude them? Did He hate them? Did He cast them out? No! Jesus shared meals with them, He loved them, and He reached out to them with compassion and tenderness."
Step 2: With One or Two Trusted Christians
If you have gone to the person one-on-one and tried to work out the issue you have with them, but the two of you are not able to reconcile, you can invite one or two other trusted Christians to help in the process of healing this relationship. This doesn’t mean that once you have tried to reconcile, you can now gossip and talk freely about the person who has hurt you. What it means is you can prayerfully discern who might be best to sit with the two of you the next time you meet and seek restoration in your relationship. This step is not optional. If you have sought healing in your relationship with a person on your staff or in your church, and it is not coming, you are compelled to keep working at it. The people you involve in the process are there not to gang up on the other person but to help in the process of reconciliation. I have found that most of the relational roadblocks that can’t be removed by a one-on-one conversation get resolved when wise counsel enters the process.
Step 3: Involve Church Leaders
If the inclusion of other godly people in the process doesn’t lead to relational healing, bring your concern and the desire for restoration to your church leaders. In our church tradition, this is the board of elders. For others, it could be a church board, management team, deacons, or another group. When Jesus calls us to “tell it to the church” if steps one and two have not brought the desired result, he isn’t saying we can gossip about this person or announce their sin during a Sunday service. Rather, he’s saying that because healthy relationships in the body of Christ are so important, you will sometimes need to bring the concern to a body of leaders who represent the wisdom of the congregation. Over more than two decades of ministry in the local church, we have had only about a dozen situations that needed to enter this step in the process. I would say half of these were resolved after drawing on the counsel and wisdom of our elders’ board.
Step 4: Reach Out with Grace
Finally, if the person refuses any movement toward a healed relationship after steps one through three, Jesus calls us to treat the person like a “pagan or tax collector.” If the leaders of the church bring their wisdom, prayers, and authority to bear on the situation and the person still refuses reconciliation, this man or woman must be treated as a sinner.
It is important to notice that Jesus is speaking to his disciples when He teaches about how we are to deal with those who have sinned against us (Matt. 18:1). The disciples have watched Jesus reach out to sinners, redeem tax collectors, restore the morally impure, and share meals with people that a normal rabbi would have avoided. They have seen Jesus love tax collectors and embrace sinners. They would have known what the Savior was getting at. Once again, his wisdom was countercultural and went against the religious norms of the day. The final step in the process is to reach out with grace and treat the person as if he or she needs to be converted.
Too often church leaders have read these words as a call to exclude people, drive them away, or cut them off from fellowship. I believe this is wrong. How did Jesus treat tax collectors and sinners? Did He exclude them? Did He hate them? Did He cast them out? No! Jesus shared meals with them, He loved them, and He reached out to them with compassion and tenderness.
Jesus calls the church to treat those who refuse reconciliation as if they need the love, grace, and power we can bring to their lives. We are to seek to win them to the heart of Jesus through loving and consistent prayer, service, and keeping the door open for reconciliation.
It has been amazing to see how consistently relationships have been healed by following this simple process. What is surprising is how many churches allow gossip and grumbling to exist as a cultural norm. When this happens, a poison spreads through the body.
Taken from Leadership from the Inside Out: Examining the Inner Life of a Healthy Church Leader by Kevin G. Harney. Copyright © 2007 by Kevin G. Harney. Published by Zondervan.
