How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

Kevin Harney
Rev. Dr. Kevin Harney (KevinHarney.com) is the President and Co-Founder of Organic Outreach International OrganicOutreach.org).
He is the author of Organic Disciples, Seven Ways to Grow Spiritually and Naturally Share Jesus, the Organic Outreach Trilogy, and many other books, studies, and articles. Kevin is the Teaching Pastor at Shoreline Community Church in Monterey, California, and is a regular contributor to Outreach Magazine.
We live in a polarized and intensely argumentative time in history. I am sure you have noticed this sad reality! Social media, short-form communication with no face-to-face interaction, the political environment, and divided perspectives are making it hard to have spiritual conversations with people who have a different outlook than Christians.
Many followers of Jesus have decided the best thing to do is keep their mouth shut and let their lifestyle do the talking. It is good to have a life that reflects the grace and presence of Jesus, but faith still comes by hearing.
The Bible says:
Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect… (1 Peter 3:15)
You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” (Acts 1:8)
With this call from God still before us, here are three important insights that will help you have conversations where you disagree about spiritual things but don’t have to be disagreeable.

First, Listen and Ask A Lot of Questions. Once this becomes natural, commit to ask even more questions. I had a conversation with an atheistic, humanistic, communist on a plane that went on for over two hours before she ever asked me a question. I found her beliefs fascinating and kept asking so many questions that she did not even have room to ask me anything about myself. Thankfully, it was a flight from Chicago to London so we had a lot of time to talk.
By the time she asked me what I believed, she was shocked that I had been so kind. She actually asked me, “Why have you been so interested in me?” She was shocked that a Christian treated her with respect and curiosity. I asked, “How would you have expected me to respond to you?” She said, “I would have expected you to tell me I was going to hell and then stop talking to me.”
How sad!
My curiosity opened the door for her to ask me questions about my belief and she even let me say a prayer for her before the trip ended. I told her I could see she was seeking truth and I offered to pray for her to find it in a deep and personal way. She asked, “Would you do that for me?” And I did.
Second, Share Your Perspective with Humble Boldness. Watch your tone. Be gentle. Express your words and beliefs with humility. It is fine to be bold and confident, but pray for humility in how you express your convictions. Don’t berate or mock, but let humility shine through. Notice in 1 Peter 3:15 we are called to explain our faith but there are two key words to guide is as we do this: “gentleness,” and “respect.”
Third, Don’t Try to Win, But Seek to Share a Fresh Perspective. Conversations become contentious when we set up a win/lose scenario. We can win a debate and lose the person. That is a shame! Let your goal be sharing what you believe, how Jesus has changed your life, the joy of the Gospel, and watch God do what you can’t. Hold back any personal drive to feel like you have crushed an opponent rather than shared truth with a potential new friend and maybe even an eventual brother or sister in Christ.
In all of this, be praying that God will break through and move in the life of the person you have the honor of talking with. The fact that you are having a spiritual conversation is already a kingdom win. When you bathe every interaction in prayer, the power of heaven is unleashed and God will move and do what you could never accomplish. And then, He gets the glory!
NOTE– For more lessons on having rich and meaningful spiritual conversations, you might want to read Chapter 10 in the book, Organic Outreach for Ordinary People, Sharing Good News Naturally.